I Figured It All Out

"sonicgabe" (gabeloewenberg) 10/05/2016 at 15:01 • Filed to: War On Coal

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I figured it all out. Hear me out...

The GOP has been complaining about the “War On Christmas” for years now. This “War” is secretly funded by Big Coal. Santa is arguably the largest single user of coal on the planet. If Christmas is destroyed, the coal industry will collapse.

Just as retail stores depend on “Black Friday” to guarantee they profit (be in the black) each year, Big Coal depends on Santa’s yearly coal purchase to keep them in the black. Fearing a loss of the “War On Christmas”, the GOP is now claiming a “War On Coal” in a last ditch effort to keep the industry afloat. With dwindling profits, Big Coal can no longer afford to fund their proxy war, the “War On Christmas”.

It all makes perfect sense! We must destroy Christmas to save the planet!

ttyymmnn > sonicgabe 10/05/2016 at 15:12

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sonicgabe > ttyymmnn 10/05/2016 at 15:18

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There will be no newspaper. I expect to be assassinated by Robot Santa any minute now.

shop-teacher > sonicgabe 10/05/2016 at 17:32

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Mind: BLOWN

S65 > sonicgabe 10/05/2016 at 17:34

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If the children were good he wouldn’t need coal

Sam > S65 10/05/2016 at 17:52

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So we need a War on Children, now?

sonicgabe > S65 10/05/2016 at 18:14

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That’s not likely to ever happen. Unless we kill all the children?